Blog Post #1 - Keep My Coffee Good and Gross

Large iced black coffee. Add whatever amount of espresso that I ask for that day (usually 4 shots). No milk, cream, or sweetener.

I've heard this referred to as a red eye. I have heard this referred to as “are you sure you don't want sweetener?”

I order this drink because, despite it tasting like dirt water, it makes me feel like absolute magic in the grimmest of circumstances.

I order my cold dirt water this way for a couple simple yet specific reasons.

Reason one:

My caffeine tolerance is from what I can tell well above average, and so is my body fat percentage. My drink order is one of purpose. That purpose is to turn my brain on, and don’t add to list of things that makes me breath heavy climbing stairs or carrying my two year old every-fucking-where (despite her perfectly functioning, low mileage 2017 legs).

Reason two:

I feel like drinking anything covered in whipped cream and caramel glaze should not be recognized in the same category as coffee. I have no problem with these drinks. I just think it is deceptive to excuse yourself from work midday to grab a “coffee” with the implication that you need a pick me up to push through this last leg of a productive day, when what you are really doing is taking an emotional milkshake break. So I keep my coffee good and gross.

Don’t get me wrong

I am not attacking those who take their caffeinated beverages with flare, even if I disagree with the chosen terminology. My issue is that some barristas cannot seem to fathom someone ordering the drink, despite VERY clear instruction.

A simple order

The order is a large iced black coffee with 4 shots of espresso, no cream, milk, or sweetener (already said black). I think this is the simplest, most detailed way I can specify my preferences in all phases for my beverage. Yet more often than not, I receive this drink with some form of sweetener to turn a gross drink into a new, more fattening, kind of gross.

Please...

If any of you out there are barristas and happen to take my order in the future, please, please, please, keep my coffee good and gross… and lean!

-Ben